A recently published study in Scientific Facts Daily has scientists around the world shaking their heads in befuddlement and dismay. Marshaling the combined data from more than 50 years and 73,000 scientific papers summarizing more than 100,000 scientific studies, the work concludes that scientific studies on the efficacy of consuming more or less of certain food types, adding nutrients or nutritional supplements to one’s diet, or using certain medicines to treat disease are all “pretty much wrong.”

“Like, almost completely wrong, every time,” chief researcher Dr. Martina Ferkes-Boothe, an international expert on hypertension, indicated. “Seriously,” Ferkes-Booth continued, “If I wasn’t a scientist myself, I’d think someone was making this shit up. First, we tell everyone not to eat fat or cholesterol, or they’ll have a heart attack and die. People were choking down those cardboard Lean Cuisine low-fat pizzas for like a decade. Totally wrong. Could have been eating real cheese, instead of that weird soy snot, the whole time. And don’t even start in on butter made out of yogurt. So many fucked up mashed potatoes. I feel just awful about it now.”

Professor Alan Brighton, director of the Harvard-affiliated North American Health Consortium, pointed out that low-fat products weren’t just unnecessary, but harmful. “Man. If you think that shit tastes bad, you should see what it does to your liver. We have major egg on our faces. Or, Egg Beaters, more accurately. Have you ever had those? What the fuck are they? Disgusting. So sorry about that.”

In defense of their work, David Kutterly, lead researcher for the Department of Family Medicine and Community Health, University of Minnesota, says, “It’s really fucking complicated. You wouldn’t even believe it. I thought for a long time before I made everyone start drinking as much water as a sperm whale. I took that shit super seriously. And I was just wrong. I’m sorry. It’s on me.” Research Assistant Toni Minat added, “I’d like a special apology to go out to all the athletes who almost drank themselves to death with water on my recommendation that they ‘hydrate’ like crazy. Especially those Little League teams. Super wrong. My bad.” Minat went on to say, “At least I’m not the anxiety team. Those guys super duper fucked up.”

According to the study, Minat might have a point. A team of researchers from France and Canada linked benzodiazepine use, often prescribed for anxiety issues, to a remarkably increased risk of being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. Harvard researcher Simon Panitz initially couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “It was just the worst. You try to stop people from having panic attacks in the parking lot of Super America and you end up giving them Alzheimer’s. Sucky. Could not have been wronger.”

“I’ll be the first to offer a mea culpa,” says Danita Merguez, professor of nutrition and epidemiology at University of Texas. “We were pretty much wrong about everything health-related. I’ve been shoving multivitamins down the throats of millions of people for two decades. Giant, ass-smelling horse pills that make you burp and fart for hours afterward. And it turns out, you might just have well been eating rabbit shit, for all the good taking multivitamins were going to do you. For all I know, rabbit shit might have more nutritional impact, actually. I should look into that.”

Merguez said the jury was still out on omega-3 fatty acids, asserting that she was cautiously optimistic. “One of these things has to be right, right? That’s just math.”

Ferkes-Boothe lamented the affect the study would have on people attempting to live a “healthy” lifestyle. She said the study was unlikely to change any clinical standards, until many more studies were done. She went on to say that although it was probably stupid as shit, focusing on diet and exercise are probably still the real key to maintaining a healthy lifestyle. “Everything else is basically us guessing, at this point,” she said. “Except for the polio vaccine.” Says Ferkes-Boothe. ”That shit is airtight.”