I always get a kick out of some of the band names in Duluth’s huge music family. After looking at this year’s lineup, came up with this little tale, using every single name listed for Fri./Sat. and pitting them against each other:

It was the battle of Rawk vs. Roll. Electric vs. Acoustic. And it all started at a park in Duluth one day in early May, Circa A.M.

The Plow Boys wanted to play Keep Aways from Scott Gusts, while Stel & Lefty wanted to play Duck Duck Punch with The Surfactants. The Good Colonels tried to Indulge everyone in a Path Annu toward peaceful negotiations, but that was a First Class Failure when Bill Reichelt yelled, “I don’t like either one of those Sports!” and started beating The Fontanelles with his Lisa Kane made of Clyde Iron, breaking their Portraits of Judith. In retaliation, Steve Isakson stole the Batteries out of all their Cars & Trucks. That caused the Paradigm Collapse as Ashley Northey exclaimed, “That’s Theft By Swindle,” and things got really Undesireables.

The Thunder Brothers advanced first, leading with their Filthy Hippie Cock and shouting in their Bradical Boombox voices, “Bone Appetit!” Charity Huot, who had just arrived on her Tryke, gasped, “Malec! Your Manheat smells like Fish Heads.” The Iron Range Outlaw Brigade came to her aid as Matt Ray & Those Damn Horses rode up flinging Little Black Books and The Bricks at The Brothers Band. It was a pretty Equal Exchange with lots of Bitter Spills when, suddenly, the ground started to shake.

A gigantic Tim Kaiser, who is Mikey Talented, came Uprising Fromundas the earth like a Humanoid, emitting K-Tones at a Boku Frequency and wielding a loaded MC1980. “Excuse Me Princess,” he calmly said to Shana David, “They call me Mr. Kickass.” He grabbed Eric Rhame’s Timber & Steel Band and went after Old Knifey & the Cutthroats, threatening them “You will Die(ode).” They wouldn’t back down, replying, “You’re a Dead Man Winter!” Just as The Two Beat Band joined the whole Crew Jones in a chaotic Spin Collective, a Coal Car Caboose roared in from Hotel Coral Essex carrying James Moors, who found a Sitter just in time to join the fight. And Jeffrey James O’Loughlin flew in from his Voyages on a Rocketship To Nowhere. When the Xhaust cleared, Philip of Nazareth appeared like a Road Warrior before the 500 Million Society in this park that looked like it had been Trampled By Turtles.

“Yeltzi!” exclaimed Ariane Norrgard, who had just swallowed the Wurm and looked a little Duray & Green. “D-D-D-Dios Mio!” stuttered Aurora Baer, who had been arguing with Rusty Borealis over naming rights of the skyline to the North. “Ballyhoo!” shouted Drewcifer. All Philip said was, “This is violent, but What Four? The DTs don’t add up. Leif Acoustic alone.”

Just like that, all The Biochemical Characters turned into Cancer Romancer & The Fortune Friends. They all agreed to blame the whole ordeal on the Sweetgrass and played something called the Homegrown Kickball Classic. The next Three Song Sunday, they all confessed their sins to Father Hennepin and sang together in the Retribution Gospel Choir. Bill Flannagan hosted a Rosebud Social afterward and Uncle Kenny held a Blue Water Dance for everyone. It was Peer Precious.

The entire ordeal was recorded by someone Somewhere, But Who we’re not sure. The People Say Fox, but Nobuddie knows except maybe Nimo the Hooligan. The main thing is This Is Now, and everyone is having Cellodreams when The Moon is Down. Once again, everything is Alrights.