The Rock Star: Adventures in Toddlerdom

Chase would make a great persnickity rock star. In the span of about three minutes the following exchanges occurred:

Chase, do you want apple juice or orange juice? "Apple Juice." (I get the apple juice). "I want orange juice." (I bring him the orange juice). "Da, you said you were bringing apple juice."

Then a piece of toast is dropped and I reach under the table to get it an he says "I want you to crawl under the table" about 5 times and starts crying when I don't.

After the phone book that he sometimes sits on falls about four times, I reposition it and he goes to sit down but notices that the dudes in suits are facing up and not the waterfall. "I don't want to sit on those guys. I want the waterfall." And then there is "I want upa" for the 24 inch jaunts from the couch to the DVD player.

So Chase's rider should he ever become a rock star might look like this:

1. Numerous fruit juices and a flexible bartender must be available at all times.
2. All personnel must be willing to stoop under tables for no apparent reason at a moments notice.
3. As appropriate and deliciously symbolic as it may seem for a man of his stature, Mr. C will not sit on any likenesses of guys in suits.
4. A computer with wireless access must be available for Mr. C at all times. Playhousedisney, pbskids, and nickjr must be bookmarked and clearly marked in the browser toolbar. His preferred OS is Macintosh.
6. Three episodes of Bob the Builder, JoJo, Stanley, and Arthur must be Tivoed and available at all times.
7. Mr. C likes his bananas to be cut and put in a "Chase bowl" with organic sprinkles on top.
8. Do NOT and I repeat do NOT leave the skin on a pear before serving it to Mr. C
9. When Mr. C commands "Back Yaaaaaaaaad" it means he must go outside immediately.
10. Under no circumstance should water be poured over Mr. C's head when he is bathing.
11. His washcloth's name is Chuck.
12. MR. C. likes stories and I mean "LOTS" of stories read to him at bedtime.
13. If Elton John's Goodbye Yellow Brick Road album is ever played in Mr. C's presence, the songs Bennie and the Jets and Harmony must be put on "repeat."
14. Naps are for suckas and please don't ever intimate that Mr. C needs a nap.
15. Whenever food is cooked in the microwave, it is Mr. C's custom to count down from ten and say "beep, beep" before the microwave's alarm sounds.
16. All assistants, roadies, and other tour personnel must be able to sketch cartoon characters and Mr. C's relatives at a moments notice.
17. If Mr. C remarks "Don't you know the crime rate's going up," this is not social commmentary. You must put on the Rolling Stones's song "shattered" from the Some Girls album immediately.
18. The "Mozart effect" is a scam to keep googly-eyed mommy entrepreneurs in the cash. Mr. C likes his music loud and fast.
19. Do NOT disrespect The Princess Bride.
20. And above all if Mr. C says "upa" you must "upa" him immediately or heads will roll.